Monthly Archives: June 2015

The PT Cruiser effect and some random crap

What’s the PT Cruiser effect? Well, grab a seat for your ass meat and I’ll lay it on you. The first time I glimpsed the sadness that is the PT Cruiser, she’d crept into my periphery, remaining on the fringe with the awful knowledge of someone who knows they’ve done something they shouldn’t-like exist. My first impulse was aesthetic. It reminded me of the older, 1940’s cars that I’d rarely seen in person and more likely in a ZZ Top video. “That’s kinda cool,” I thought with my ignorant brain. At this point the PT had come into full view, ready for her centerfold and hoping to fulfill someones sad, depleted whacking material. Its then that I realized, “oh shit-this car is totally lame.” The sting of her betrayal was a knife in my balls. She knew the whole time that she was just gonna fuck me. And not in the good way. That’s when I concluded that I’d been the victim of the PT Cruiser effect.

The Reverend Jim Jones of the PT Cruiser effect.

Now, I’d sooner have my balls set on fire and stomped out by a Clydesdale than be seen behind the wheel of a PT Cruiser, but fate would have it another way. My dear, sweet mother whom I adore, was manipulated by the conniving, self-aware whore that is the PT Cruiser and was unable to awake from her (probably)smelly spell. She too was a victim of the PT Cruiser effect, but unfortunately only the rapture could bring her out of her slumber.

I went home to visit my mother for Christmas, as a good son does. “You can borrow my new car while you’re home,” she exclaimed, tossing the keys towards me in slow motion. I smiled as I held my hands to catch the keys-still in slow motion-as she burst out in tears of joy, “It’s a PT Cruiser!” I swallowed hard, forcing the vomit back down my throat as my smile turned into a twisted grimace. “By the sweat of Satan’s balls, I cast thee out, demon!”

The only good PT is a dead PT.

So, I totally didn’t say that. After all, this woman pushed a heathen from her vagina into an unsuspecting world and I must respect our little pact. Instead, I had to drive a PT Cruiser around town like a total asshole. Get this-I drove to my friends work and asked if I could see her and waited in the lobby. All of the dignity was drained from my balls as I heard someone say, “Hey Anna, your friend is here to see you-it’s some guy in a PT Cruiser.” Yep-that happened.

Dude! You know how much action this back seat has seen? None.

Now, the PT Cruiser effect can come in different forms, from distressed logo’s on t shirts to effects laden movies with Tom Cruise, which is the dreaded PT Tom Cruiser effect. Really, it’s anytime you second guess yourself in your choices. However, someday we’ll all be dead and burning in eternal hellfire, gnashing our teeth behind the wheel of a PT Cruiser so fuck it.

“Yes they deserved to die and I hope they burn in hell!!”

As far as some random crap, let’s see…..oh-if you’re a girl and you’re sweaty you should say “my tit’s are sweating balls.”

Also, change the lyrics to the Michael Jackson song to “I’m trying to shave my balls in the mirror.”

And one more time, “balls.”